Creative Piece
Dear Mother,
Life in Australia is harder than
people describe it to be. I am different to those who surround me. My community
that I have grown up in and how I have been raised are all a tribute to my
identity, but I’m 17 and I don’t have a true identity. Being Korean but raised
in an all white family has been confusing, I go to a school where I am the only
Asian in my class, and that’s been the issue since I started school. Being
surrounded by a whole new universe, as it seems, is becoming harder to deal
with as I grow older, I have all the
racism drama to think about, I worry
about how I look in the other people’s eyes.
When my mother her in Australia gets unquestioned
about why she has a ‘Chinese daughter’, its not common in Australia for someone
to have a child of different culture, it makes me feel aher. My mother here
just ignores what people say and tells me to do the same, but how can I when
they are constantly staring at me? I feel like such an outsider. I have grown
up in Australia my whole life, but I can never seem to find my Australian
identity.
Mother has told me stories about
how she became my adoption mother and that when I was given to her, just after
you gave birth to me, the weather in Pusan, Korea was thirteen degrees below
zero. She told me my original name was ‘Soo Joeng’ which I have done some
research and found it means ‘crystal’. I have grown to become fond of this
Korean name and have chosen to change all my documents with this as my middle
name. I would like to find out how you chose this name and why, but I guess I
will have to wait to find out one day.
I’m really eager to find you mum,
I want to see how you live in Korea, I want to be able to see who I am. Maybe
having contact with you, might help me establish my true identity. Just maybe.
I also want to understand why you gave me up, and who or what forced you to do
so, but how am I supposed to find that information when everyone here is so
silent and chooses not to talk about that. It must not be that bad as to why
you gave me away, was it because you couldn’t afford a life for me and you? All
these questions and no answers. I am a fly in a glass of milk in this town, the
only person who sees me as a human is my boyfriend who is Japanese- Australian.
He lives in the city of Adelaide and I only get to see him in my spare time,
away from school work and when I can get permission. When I am with him though,
the world is blocked and it’s just him and I and no one else exists. I wonder
if that’s how I will feel when I become into contact with you?
Are you still living in Pusan? I
do research on Pusan, and the images I have found on Google images look so
serene and calm, with the blossoming trees falling into the courtyards, and the
beautiful landscapes, but in one image there is an old woman and her old age
has scared me from growing up like that, I can’t imagine myself looking like
that, at least I hope not. A while ago I
came across a flyer that was stapled to a tree, written on it was ‘Korean
Speech Lessons’, thinking about it I remembered the time back in eighth grade
when we were learning about Asian countries and Pusan came into topic and my
teacher automatically chose me to do a research assignment on it I didn’t know
whether to take it as an insult or a compliment
but as I pronounced it I said ‘Pusan’, it sounded like ‘can’, in such a
strong Australian accent, only to be corrected that it’s pronounced Pu’sahn’. I
felt a little disappointed in myself that I couldn’t even say my home town name
correctly, with this memory I grabbed a pen and paper and contacted the number
straight away.
Being a couple weeks on now, the
lessons have helped with my connections to Korea and to you. Knowing I can
translate what people say to me in Huaguel, it makes me really proud. I will
continue with these lessons but I don’t think it will fully help to establish
my identity or my feeling of belonging, I think I need to find you and see you,
and reunite with you, my Korean birth mother, than maybe, hopefully I can
establish my true Korean or Australian identity, just maybe, we’ll see I guess.
Love and miss you mother, from
your Australian/Korean daughter
Blossom Beeby.
xx
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